Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Who died and made me martyr?

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Anonymous July 17, 2007 1:41 PM :
I visit your blog weekly and enjoy your ramblings, however this marks the last time I will read your entries.I feel like you are not understanding what you are posting and simply repeating the same ideas with different wordings. You wish for a simpler time where you enjoyed your hobby, the supplies you had without worrying that they're outdated, your photographs, and your memories. If that's what you want than do so. But you ate your own words when you entered Lucky Seven for no reason at all. You say that you don't need the money for more scrap supplies, you say that you don't need the glory, you say that you wish you could scrap like you used to, you say that you want to scrap without pressure and you don't want anyone else's opinion to influence you.So start practicing what you preach.

Anonymous July 17, 2007 7:43 PM
Yeah! I was reading through and nodding and agreeing with you and then when I read you entered the contest, I was taken a-back! Like, WHAT the HECK! That sentence really threw me for a loop! You tried to pretend or make us believe that your scrap-sister encouraged you! Hmmmm...
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Those are two scathing comments that I received yesterday for having the audacity to mention that I'd entered the Scrapbook.com Lucky 7 Contest. I was tempted to shoot from the hip because I was really offended at the judgement and criticism, but I thought better of it (things seem to get ugly when I respond first and think later). After a fairly decent nights sleep, I feel clear headed and emotionally detached enough to respond to these comments. Please, bear with me.

Firstly, if I may, I want to address a couple of key points:

Anonymous wrote: ...you ate your own words when you entered Lucky Seven for no reason at all. You say that you don't need the money for more scrap supplies, you say that you don't need the glory, you say that you wish you could scrap like you used to, you say that you want to scrap without pressure and you don't want anyone else's opinion to influence you.

You are absolutely right on one point, I don't need money for more scrap supplies, especially not after purging all last week, but truth be told, I do have vertical files full of layouts that have no album to go into. Though it was not my intention to enter to win the contest, as my girlfriend said, 'even an honorable mention could get you a couple of albums'. To some it may appear that I entered for no reason, but my girlfriends understand the underlying significance of my entry. If you have never been terrified of entering a contest to the point of paralysis, I don't expect you to understand. For me, being able to enter the contest without experiencing the anxiety and fear that I felt in the past signified a lot of progress in my personal growth and healing. To the commenter, I had no reason to enter because from a materialistic standpoint, there was no need. From my stand point, it was very necessary to finally silence the oppressive demons that have in the past told me that my work was sub par, unworthy, and a waste of product. I didn't enter the contest for glory or fame, I entered to see if I could do so without emotional consequence, and aside from being blasted on this blog, I think I have taken a huge, positive step. I entered for me...the only person who has a dog in my race for emotional healing. I'm sorry if this makes little sense to the people who read this blog, but I am the type of person who faces her fears head on and staying away from contests forever wasn't an option for me until I could tell myself that I wasn't staying away out of fear, but rather because I found them unnecessary.

Yes, I have posted about missing the good old days of scrapping without pressure, for myself, and without concern for peer opinion. As it just so happens, 1) the layouts I submitted were layouts that I'd already done as a part of the spending freeze challenge that my sisters and I are partaking in...therefore, I neither scrapped with pressure, influence, nor out of my comfort zone. I did not scrap my pages for the Lucky 7 contest, I entered the contest and submitted my already scrapped pages.

You tried to pretend or make us believe that your scrap-sister encouraged you!


I don't know what to make of this comment, but I will assume that I am either being accused of lying about my motivation for entering the contest or that my sisters-in-scrap are not truly looking out for my best interest. I can't and won't take ownership of either one of those interpretations because the person who made the comment hardly knows enough about me to make such an egregious assumption. My 2 sisters have stood by me long enough to know what type of person I am and they know me well enough to know what equates to good therapy for me. When I tried horse back riding and fell off, I was all but forced to get right back on that beast and the reasoning was that if I didn't, I would live in fear of horses for until I did. I was made to understand that even if I never looked at another horse after delivering the one I was riding to the stable, the fact that I overcame my fear enough to finish the ride would sufficiently short circuit any phobic side effects of the initial fall. My sisters know me well enough to know that I needed to take a proactive approach to my fears that even prevented me from dropping my name in a stupid hat for a stupid LSS drawing. More than that, my sisters have been standing by me while I come to grips with my medical condition and Dorkfish was very right about it being something to take my mind off of worrying about my future as a viable human being. I don't begrudge them for encouraging me, now will I stand to have someone who knows nothing of the nature of our friendship cheapen their efforts with venomous accusations.

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I would be the first person to admit that I am inherently flawed as a human being, it is the nature of beings born into sin, however, I will concede that I have done anything wrong, particularly since I've not hurt a single solitary person (including myself) by entering my layouts. I don't know how I was cast as the scrapbooking martyr, but I assure you that it wasn't a title that I wanted for myself, nor is it one that I will tolerate being given.

One of the first things that I wrote about on the blog was the way that peer judgement and the pervasive way that people in this online arena seem to feel entitled to dictate what is deemed "appropriate" behaviour on the part of a true hearted scrapbooker. Those comments were indicative of what I dislike about the industry. I wasn't asked why I entered, rather I was accused based on the assumptions of one person. At what point does anyone have a right to pass judgement on me for doing something that doesn't affect them? At what point did I ever say that anyone who enters a contest is somehow less of a true scrapbooker? At what point did I present a pulpit from which I preached? When have I ever said that optioning to participate in the online communities was tabu? I can tell you, NEVER. The main message that I have been trying to send is one of the importance of remaining true to yourself and not allowing the industry to deviate your focus from that ultimate goal. Scrapbook.com is the only online community that I like and I like it because of the atmosphere of acceptance and the fact that I have such a huge support force there. I didn't care for it a few years ago, but I stumbled upon it again last year and I was very impressed by the way the over all atmosphere was purged of nastiness and elitism. I don't participate far beyond talking to the people in my friends group, but when I do it has proven to be pretty therapeutic and, heaven forbid, fun. Does that negate my feelings about the majority of the industry? Hardly, I've been around the block a time or two and I know what's out there.

My two sisters in scrap are both on DT's, one of them has recently landed a major manufacturer DT. Do I begrudge them because they share some of my views about the way that Design Team contests are run? Do I find them to be 'false prophets' because they still held fast to their desire to be on a team? No, because 1) it is not my place to judge them nor dictate to them how they should behave in order to qualify to be considered to be a scrapbooker who is true to his/herself.
One of my friend's ultimate goal was to land a manufacturer's team, and she was battered and beaten by the industry as much as I was. It just so happens that she worked through her fears and get back on that horse, time after time, until she achieved her goal. Now she won't have to wonder if she was ever good 'enough'.

Look, I entered the contest. I don't expect to win anything because I already feel like I won simply by being able to do it without having an anxiety attack. If I do win and I am able to get my albums, I will be stoked, if I don't win anything, I get to walk away knowing that I didn't compromise myself in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if some can't accept that, but it is not my intentions to try to cater to the expectations of others. I would never dream of publicly judging someone who's personal decision of what's best for self differ from my own, nor would I lambaste them for failing to meet up to an expectation that I set for them.

I have said it before, and I guess I have to say it again, I don't write here FOR anyone other than myself. If my actions equate to loss readership, then so be it, could I possibly be any less true to myself by doing otherwise? My convictions are still intact and my feelings for the industry have not changed because I chose to partake in a contest. The main sermon that I see coming from this "pulpit" is truth to self and as far as I'm concerned, I am 'practicing what I preach'.

TFR

7 comments:

Tracy said...

well Gee i guess i missed a lot by not checking in yesterday.
CS - i enjoy your blog - you keep on keepin on. i enjoy reading your posts - 's why i keep coming back. you're thoughtful and make interesting observations. and of course i happen to agree with them LOL but that didnt stop me from visiting other blogs i didnt! However - now i really feel i get you cos i understand thoroughly needing to try entering a contest just to enter - i did that and it was gut wrenching but so good for me to put myself out there. i knew before i put the stamps on the envelope as it were i would never win. It was purely an exercise for me - and why i keep my blogs for that matter.
so although you had no need to "splain yourself lucy' i'm glad you did.
keep on writing and scrapping

The Conscious Scrapbooker said...

Bless you Tracy! I am glad that somebody gets why, where it may not matter to most, it matters to me to be able to do it without becoming a basket case! Darned...there goes that need for validation thing again! Seriously though, thank you!
CS

Kim Sonksen said...

Wowsers - I admire you for being able to just stand back from those comments, let them sink in and then reply with this great post.

See,I would have shot from the hip and would have burnt myself in the process.

You go girl and never stop believing in yourself

Anonymous said...

I get it :) I've been reading here from the beginning and I've commented frequently - mostly because I really feel the same things a lot in my own scrappy life ;)

I've been cutting back on shopping, trying to get out of the race, and yet I did something similar a few weeks ago. I was finally scrapping again after a long break, and I was really pleased to feel that I had gotten back to where I could do layouts I loved and felt good about. So, while I was on a roll, I submitted a few layouts to magazine calls. I had the pictures, I had the time, and I thought, what the heck? I don't care if they get published. I love them, they're me, I would have done them anyway, and like you said with this contest, the real win is just knowing that you could do it without having an anxiety attack wondering whether or not your entry was "good enough."

So that said, I hope you win so you can score some free albums :) Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You aven't lost MY readership !

Anonymous said...

WOW, emotional healing from the hobby of scrapbooking. That is new.

The Conscious Scrapbooker said...

Actually, 4:06, it's not new at all. I know of ladies who have used Scrapbooking as emotional therapy for everything from miscarriage to terminal illness. Scrapbooking is a craft that creates a release for some, it is relatively easy to see where emotional healing can be derived from the act of scrapbooking. It's pretty much like how some therapists tell people to journal their feelings; it has the potential to do much good for the emotional well being of the scrapbooker. I'm almost certain that I am not the first person to have emotional difficulties that are linked to scrapbooking.