Who died and made me martyr?

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Anonymous July 17, 2007 1:41 PM :
I visit your blog weekly and enjoy your ramblings, however this marks the last time I will read your entries.I feel like you are not understanding what you are posting and simply repeating the same ideas with different wordings. You wish for a simpler time where you enjoyed your hobby, the supplies you had without worrying that they're outdated, your photographs, and your memories. If that's what you want than do so. But you ate your own words when you entered Lucky Seven for no reason at all. You say that you don't need the money for more scrap supplies, you say that you don't need the glory, you say that you wish you could scrap like you used to, you say that you want to scrap without pressure and you don't want anyone else's opinion to influence you.So start practicing what you preach.

Anonymous July 17, 2007 7:43 PM
Yeah! I was reading through and nodding and agreeing with you and then when I read you entered the contest, I was taken a-back! Like, WHAT the HECK! That sentence really threw me for a loop! You tried to pretend or make us believe that your scrap-sister encouraged you! Hmmmm...

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Those are two scathing comments that I received yesterday for having the audacity to mention that I'd entered the Scrapbook.com Lucky 7 Contest. I was tempted to shoot from the hip because I was really offended at the judgement and criticism, but I thought better of it (things seem to get ugly when I respond first and think later). After a fairly decent nights sleep, I feel clear headed and emotionally detached enough to respond to these comments. Please, bear with me.

Firstly, if I may, I want to address a couple of key points:

Anonymous wrote: ...you ate your own words when you entered Lucky Seven for no reason at all. You say that you don't need the money for more scrap supplies, you say that you don't need the glory, you say that you wish you could scrap like you used to, you say that you want to scrap without pressure and you don't want anyone else's opinion to influence you.

You are absolutely right on one point, I don't need money for more scrap supplies, especially not after purging all last week, but truth be told, I do have vertical files full of layouts that have no album to go into. Though it was not my intention to enter to win the contest, as my girlfriend said, 'even an honorable mention could get you a couple of albums'. To some it may appear that I entered for no reason, but my girlfriends understand the underlying significance of my entry. If you have never been terrified of entering a contest to the point of paralysis, I don't expect you to understand. For me, being able to enter the contest without experiencing the anxiety and fear that I felt in the past signified a lot of progress in my personal growth and healing. To the commenter, I had no reason to enter because from a materialistic standpoint, there was no need. From my stand point, it was very necessary to finally silence the oppressive demons that have in the past told me that my work was sub par, unworthy, and a waste of product. I didn't enter the contest for glory or fame, I entered to see if I could do so without emotional consequence, and aside from being blasted on this blog, I think I have taken a huge, positive step. I entered for me...the only person who has a dog in my race for emotional healing. I'm sorry if this makes little sense to the people who read this blog, but I am the type of person who faces her fears head on and staying away from contests forever wasn't an option for me until I could tell myself that I wasn't staying away out of fear, but rather because I found them unnecessary.

Yes, I have posted about missing the good old days of scrapping without pressure, for myself, and without concern for peer opinion. As it just so happens, 1) the layouts I submitted were layouts that I'd already done as a part of the spending freeze challenge that my sisters and I are partaking in...therefore, I neither scrapped with pressure, influence, nor out of my comfort zone. I did not scrap my pages for the Lucky 7 contest, I entered the contest and submitted my already scrapped pages.

You tried to pretend or make us believe that your scrap-sister encouraged you!

I don't know what to make of this comment, but I will assume that I am either being accused of lying about my motivation for entering the contest or that my sisters-in-scrap are not truly looking out for my best interest. I can't and won't take ownership of either one of those interpretations because the person who made the comment hardly knows enough about me to make such an egregious assumption. My 2 sisters have stood by me long enough to know what type of person I am and they know me well enough to know what equates to good therapy for me. When I tried horse back riding and fell off, I was all but forced to get right back on that beast and the reasoning was that if I didn't, I would live in fear of horses for until I did. I was made to understand that even if I never looked at another horse after delivering the one I was riding to the stable, the fact that I overcame my fear enough to finish the ride would sufficiently short circuit any phobic side effects of the initial fall. My sisters know me well enough to know that I needed to take a proactive approach to my fears that even prevented me from dropping my name in a stupid hat for a stupid LSS drawing. More than that, my sisters have been standing by me while I come to grips with my medical condition and Dorkfish was very right about it being something to take my mind off of worrying about my future as a viable human being. I don't begrudge them for encouraging me, now will I stand to have someone who knows nothing of the nature of our friendship cheapen their efforts with venomous accusations.

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I would be the first person to admit that I am inherently flawed as a human being, it is the nature of beings born into sin, however, I will concede that I have done anything wrong, particularly since I've not hurt a single solitary person (including myself) by entering my layouts. I don't know how I was cast as the scrapbooking martyr, but I assure you that it wasn't a title that I wanted for myself, nor is it one that I will tolerate being given.

One of the first things that I wrote about on the blog was the way that peer judgement and the pervasive way that people in this online arena seem to feel entitled to dictate what is deemed "appropriate" behaviour on the part of a true hearted scrapbooker. Those comments were indicative of what I dislike about the industry. I wasn't asked why I entered, rather I was accused based on the assumptions of one person. At what point does anyone have a right to pass judgement on me for doing something that doesn't affect them? At what point did I ever say that anyone who enters a contest is somehow less of a true scrapbooker? At what point did I present a pulpit from which I preached? When have I ever said that optioning to participate in the online communities was tabu? I can tell you, NEVER. The main message that I have been trying to send is one of the importance of remaining true to yourself and not allowing the industry to deviate your focus from that ultimate goal. Scrapbook.com is the only online community that I like and I like it because of the atmosphere of acceptance and the fact that I have such a huge support force there. I didn't care for it a few years ago, but I stumbled upon it again last year and I was very impressed by the way the over all atmosphere was purged of nastiness and elitism. I don't participate far beyond talking to the people in my friends group, but when I do it has proven to be pretty therapeutic and, heaven forbid, fun. Does that negate my feelings about the majority of the industry? Hardly, I've been around the block a time or two and I know what's out there.

My two sisters in scrap are both on DT's, one of them has recently landed a major manufacturer DT. Do I begrudge them because they share some of my views about the way that Design Team contests are run? Do I find them to be 'false prophets' because they still held fast to their desire to be on a team? No, because 1) it is not my place to judge them nor dictate to them how they should behave in order to qualify to be considered to be a scrapbooker who is true to his/herself.
One of my friend's ultimate goal was to land a manufacturer's team, and she was battered and beaten by the industry as much as I was. It just so happens that she worked through her fears and get back on that horse, time after time, until she achieved her goal. Now she won't have to wonder if she was ever good 'enough'.

Look, I entered the contest. I don't expect to win anything because I already feel like I won simply by being able to do it without having an anxiety attack. If I do win and I am able to get my albums, I will be stoked, if I don't win anything, I get to walk away knowing that I didn't compromise myself in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if some can't accept that, but it is not my intentions to try to cater to the expectations of others. I would never dream of publicly judging someone who's personal decision of what's best for self differ from my own, nor would I lambaste them for failing to meet up to an expectation that I set for them.

I have said it before, and I guess I have to say it again, I don't write here FOR anyone other than myself. If my actions equate to loss readership, then so be it, could I possibly be any less true to myself by doing otherwise? My convictions are still intact and my feelings for the industry have not changed because I chose to partake in a contest. The main sermon that I see coming from this "pulpit" is truth to self and as far as I'm concerned, I am 'practicing what I preach'.

TFR

Zen Scrapbooking...the art of unhappy perfection.

My thoughts have been plagued with how my perception and appreciation for scrapbooking has evolved over the past few years...so much so that I feel compelled to purge on this blog.

I've read comment after comment about how beautiful scrapbooking for some before they ventured to make it more than a personal hobby. The number of head nods I get when I mention that having fewer supplies sparked more creativity than having a scraproom full of them could possibly throw the planet off of it's orbital axis if we could all get together and synchronise our affirmations. On three everyone...one, two, three, NOD!

Here's a question...When did Scrapbooking start making you unhappy?

Here's another one...Why are you doing it if the very act throws your biorhythms out of wack and manifestst physical symptoms that are similar to those described in depression and anxiety medication commercials?

If you got into scrapbooking because it was a 'fun' hobby, why did you endure even though it no longer registered a reading on your 'fun meter'?

Opinions are like *insert clever/crass word here*... everybody has one. Here is mine:

There are no shoulds in scrapbooking...or any craft that depends heavily on personal preference and aestetic appreciation. Actually, there is one: You should get enjoyment out of anything that you choose to spend any part of the few precious minutes of daily you-time you steal for yourself.

It's a lot harder than it looks, sounds, and smells, folks. Many have recollected the ease of completing pages 'back in the day'. I remember retreating to my scrapping space nightly and trying to get my ideas on paper as fast as they were popping in my mind. I remember the free flowing creative process and I mourn its loss so much that if I weren't so convinced that it would be an affront to my faith, I'd erect a shrine to it in my bedroom. Getting back to those days of artistic bliss has proven to be pretty darned difficult, let me tell you. Yes, I can talk a good game about asking yourself if you like what you're producing, and only seeking to please yourself, but the truth of the matter is that once you let that little voice of doubt and peer validation into your head, it's hard to kill the whispers. I did go ahead and enter the Sb.com Lucky 7 Contest (after much love laced prodding from my scrap-sister), but I almost didn't because of those darned whispers. How did I get to this point? How did I sit there with eyes wide open, and allow the opinions of others to weigh so heavily on something that didn't even involve them?

Zen = enlightenment through introspecion and intuition.

To me, it means the ability to look soley within oneself for inspiration and unconsciously trusting what is found there to guide me through the creative process without the need to validate every step. To me it means scrapping with reckless abandon and allowing my heart to create my pages. It means, ultimately, scrapping for whatever reasons I choose to and allowing that to be enough even if the rest of the world says it isn't.

But...how do we regain the ability to trust ourselves?

After being told for so long that ultimate success only comes on the heels of mass validation, how do you rediscover the strength of personal validation?

How do you convince yourself that your family's appreciation for your tribute to them is not only founded on the fact that you prepare their meals and know where they sleep?

How do you retrain yourself to trust yourself to not only effectively master your personal creative process but to shamelessly love what you've created with your own hands despite what 'others' may think?

Having recently purged myself of much of the materialistic fodder that was clogging my creative process, I am now left with the task of killing that little voice in my head. If I devise some cleaver way of silencing the voice of external validation, I will certainly share it here.

TFR